House, not home

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  3. Truck, late night grilling, peppers filling the porch
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Categories: Swamp Fox Green | Leave a comment

My stroke and I

May 25th, 2017 was the date we were introduced at work. I experienced the most excruciating headaches I’d ever experienced. This was followed by a wave of dizziness telling me something wasn’t right. Calling my manager on duty I relayed what had just happened. She asked me if I wanted to go home or needed help; I replied I needed help. At this point I made my way to the time clock, signing out of the phone. Just as I finished keying in my ID I heard the request for help in my department, thinking, “Good luck with that.” as I was the only person providing coverage at the time. Turning away from the time clock I blacked out for the first time in my life and this began my break with sequential memories.

It would take me over a month before the rest of what transpired would be known to me. During that time events around me mentally occurred to someone else. The ones I have were of being someone else in a completely different reality. My first conscious memories were of being in Intracranial ICU of Memorial Hospital in Savannah, Georgia as the staff attended me. I still had no clue as to what had happened to me or it’s severity. The physical trauma combined with the medications I was on had me still a bit disconnected with my surroundings and the total experience. Events during this time are disjointed. I know they transpired but I was fading in and out as the most severe issues were busy being handled by my body working to heal. There were trips to the MRI for follow up scans, attending physicians asking me to squeeze their fingers, the constant questions of “Do you know where you are?” and “Do you know who the president is?” seemingly rained down upon me like constant mortar shells.

I’ve always been a joker, and once I became cognitive enough to realize these questions became repeated ones I began jokingly answering them to the point the staff had to tell me this was serious and they needed the correct answers to judge my recovery. The president question brought about replies of me wishing they’d stop reminding me and remembering who our president was. I had to be told where I was since in my mind my last location had actually been at work. Time passed and I began to realize what I had held to be reality and certainty in who I was and where I was were hallucinations sparked by my mental pathways misfiring and creating a reality away from the trauma and pain. “Memories are malleable” I told my neurosurgeon during one of his visits. He told me my realization of this was a sign I was breaking through and on my way to recovery. Relearning how to eat, speak had all been accomplished at this point.

My nurses all told me “you heal very well” as I began thinking there was no reason to change my outlook on life. I’d much rather be joking, laughing, smiling than wallow in contemplating how bad things seemed. Curling up in the corner crying would not change what I had gone through. Deciding where to go from here was the true question that demanded an answer. My first thoughts were of a co-worker who learned his wife had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I had been the only full-time associate in the department and wanted so badly to let him be there for her during her treatment and recovery. Me not being able to work would not allow me to be a buffer for him to successfully maintain a balance between work and being there for her. This was the first time I cried because of my stroke. Not for me, but for them.

This story is far from over. The details of my recovery, my return to work, moving forward with my life remain to be told.

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A life well lived.

True giving is expecting zero return for yourself while hoping to give a world of hope to others

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Repurposed materials 

I’ve begun avoiding plastic packaged materials for more reasons than one. One must look beyond what is presented in the now and have the vision to prepare for the future.

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The big road

Sitting upon the porch this early in the morning while the grill sizzles the only other sounds remind me of country life as I’ve known it. The lone barking of a dog seeking to pierce the veil of darkness seeking to connect. Owls hooting into the deep reaching out to be acknowledged. I’ve never lived beyond the sound of a highway in the distance. Rubber meet in hardtop and engines breathing deep as they seek out guided destinations are but a thread in the tapestry of my nights.

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Which truth?

There are many truths in this life. Their side, our side, and then there is reality. Philosophy dictates no matter what shall be done in the dark the light shall bring it forth to be known. Eternal some truths are supposedly yet still internal struggles rear themselves giving rise to struggle and conflict. Recognizing our true desires, moving forward on them, being true to ourselves is the only way to vanquish those inner demons.

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Generator Usage

In light of Matthew and it’s effects on our communities, I feel the need to share some information. I have been inundated by people calling and coming in looking for portable generators and ways to back feed into their panels every since Wednesday. There are many variables to consider mainly if you need 120 or 250 volts and just how much of the home you want to power.

generac-generator

If you are looking at powering all of your home you certainly should go with a home generator. This allows you to power all of your 120 & 240 items safely. It also utilizes an Automatic Transfer Switch (ATS)

automatic-transfer-switch-service-entrance-20kw that breaks the connection between your electrical panel to prevent your generator from back feeding into the power lines saving the life of the lineman working to restore everyone’s electricity.

portable-gennie

Portable generators are just that, one’s manufactured to power items plugged directly into them. This is often hampered by the distance required to place the generator in a location that keeps it out of the weather and the noise it produces, and the location of what is desired to be powered. Therefore you have to realize these generators can have PROPERLY sized extension cords between them and what they power. They are not by any means intended to power an entire home. Usage of these is meant to come with the understanding of such.

I’d be happy to provide further information if desired.

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Strength is..?

A struggle that is faced at first second by second, moment by moment. This in turn allows that which would break us enter our thoughts less frequently. Seconds become hours, days become months and by searching within focus returns allowing peace. The discordant memories no longer cut as deeply, emotional and psychological buffers allowing separation from painful events. Strength is allowing yourself the chance to heal.

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Intentions 

We all start out with the best of them hopefully. The idea that the course set upon will bring about the most positive results for those involved. Such notions often become wistfully unobtainable once to many variables are introduced. Streamline as to realize that which TRULY matters and all else falls into place. Look not back at that left on the wayside as change gives focus and clarification.

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Seeing the past 

When that which most utterly can destroy you is the self same which makes you feel most a live. To turn away is to realize to do so keeps you breathing air that never truly ignites within your chest. That hunger shall never be quenched so as time passes the appetite fades to the point surrender is given and life becomes nothing but a series of connected moments.

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